Monday, November 5, 2012


I wasn't sure I heard Him. At the end of a date we didn't want to leave each other. But the evening was over and it was inevitable. Usually, we prolonged the night by sitting in silence, thinking time might crawl a little slower. His eyes would close. Usually, I thought He was feigning sleep, but more often than not He really was asleep. This particular night we were both tired. It had been a long day. I was happy to sit next to Him while He slept. Our heads were close enough that I could sense His breathing, but they weren't touching. I felt Him lean His head closer to mine, put His mouth against my ear, and whisper "I love you".

I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure I really heard what I thought I did. I thought, what if I said it back and I had misheard Him? So I just sat there. I know I heard Him. What did He think when I didn't say anything? He must have felt so awkward. He didn't say anything. He didn't move. We continued to sit there pretending nothing had happened.

If I could take anything back it would be that moment. I would turn and whisper in His ear "I love you too". Before that night I had thought about saying it many times. Its scary to be the first one to say it, because you are afraid it won't be returned. Then you've put yourself out there, bared your soul, and been left to flounder in your uncertainty. I left Him to flounder.

I remember aching to say it first. I remember my heart pounding trying to gather enough courage to say the words. Every time we saw each other I thought "I'll say it this time", but I couldn't. I was afraid He wouldn't say it back. If He felt anything like I did it took an enormous amount of courage for Him that night. How many times had He felt the same way I had? How many times did His heart race trying to get the courage to tell me? How many times did He fail, because He was uncertain if I would return His feelings? That night He loved me enough to say it, regardless of the consequences.

He said it first... more reason I love Him.

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